Inside a. dean

I just wanted to add one other New Year's Resolution that I didn't realize I was going to add until today. On top of travel, weight loss and the privilege of driving I want to add one more very important one. I want a fucking boyfriend!! Anyone who knows me is probably shocked right now. No more shocked than I am, believe me. I have gone years resting on my laurels and repeating the mantra "I'm not ready, I'm not ready... ohhhmmm..." My new mantra will become: "Fuck that not ready shit!!"

Where did this sudden and drastic change of heart come from? First, a guy who calls himself Dave the Bloody. Yep, we're heading back to Buffy worship briefly on this one. Dave is actually a guy I have corresponded with on the message board at www.cityofangel.com (we share a mutual hatred for the slow as molasses release of the DVDs and a general malign for all things FOX among other things) and I know absolutely nothing about him except that he is probably straight, he lives in Buffalo, NY and his passion for all things Buffy equals and maybe exceeds my own. He started his last entry with "Geez, AJ, I feel like I'm talking to myself!! LOL! "

"Now what the hell does all of this mean and why did it lead to this psychotic episode?" you are asking. I was reminded that there are others out there like me, there ARE people who share my interests and there are completely random strangers who find me interesting, witty and fun. It's not just this Universe of friends and family and acquaintances I have built around myself. There's a whole galaxy out there and I want to be a part of it, dammit!! I deserve it for fuck's sake. Yeah, I've had some pretty nasty heartbreaks in my life, a few incredibly dysfunctional "relationships" and wasted FAR too much time and energy on a fruitless obsession with a certain straight guy who shall remain nameless. It's never too damned late. I'm tired of watching other people in dysfunctional relationships without having one of my own to burden them with. It's THEIR fucking turn to listen to me talk about MY relationship, dammit!!

It's not all spite, though. It's not "Getting back into the swinging dating scene to annoy my friends". I have a lot of selfish reasons too. Mainly, I'm lonely and I want NOT to be, dammit!! About the time that I watched Carrie Bradshaw say: "I'm lonely. It's palpable..." in Season 5 of "Sex and the City" I realized that enough is very well fucking enough.

I want to show up at Couples Night at the Johnson's (AKA X-Mas Eve and Thanksgiving) with a boyfriend for once in my life. I want to be part of one of those annoying couples that say: "We have to leave now and go to HIS parent's place" even if we are truly just dipping out early to get it on. I want someone to share my expenses with. I want to have the rare privilege of introducing him to the wonderful, amazing, loving, life-saving Stars in my Universe and meet the Stars in his. I want to be able to cancel plans at the last minute and say: "Sorry, WE are staying in tonight." and I want the person on the other end of the phone to smile and shrug and wish they had half of what we have. I want him to force me to watch something I really don't want to watch on TV and I want to be pleasantly surprised by how much I like it. I want to turn to him and say "I never would have watched this if I hadn't met you. Thank you so much." and he will smile and say: "You gave me the incredible gift of Buffy, so we're even..." Then we can retire to bed later and live out our dirty Angel fantasies. Hee Hee That's not asking for too much is it?

In the words of Kirsten Dunst's opponent in that cheerleading movie, "Bring it on, baby." : + )

At the risk of sounding incredibly cliche, I am hoping to make some major changes this year. In the full spirit of that, I am on the South Beach Diet. Two days and counting. How is it? Well, I can't really describe it. I just feel weird. Supposedly, it's my body breaking the addiction to all the crap, but I feel just... wrong. This part only lasts a few days though, I heard. Here's hoping. I have two friends that are going on it too and two co-workers as well. For them, I can say I am very glad that I took yesterday off. The first day was incredibly rough and I wouldn't have wanted to be at work like that. You just feel... dizzy and groggy and weird. Can't really describe it.

More New Year's resolutions? Of course. I am continuing the writing thing but I refuse to post any more stories on here until I figure out what exactly the glitch is that is making quotes show up as trademark symbols. Stay tuned for that. "Branded" and "Bonded" turned out very well (they are the best thing I've written so far, in my opinion) and "Requiem" is coming along nicely. I'm starting to think more and more that I don't want to post any other stories on here. I want a website and I have to get a websites for dummies book before I can feel confident in setting one up.

I also want this to be the year when I come back to myself, and put me first. I feel I have been far too concerned with what other people are doing and it's just exhausting. it's just not worth my time and energy anymore. What I learned being unemployed for 7 and a half months was that I really only have me to rely on when it comes right down to it. That's a scary and strangely liberating thing to realize.

I also want to put a big checkmark by one of my cities (San Fran, New Orleans, New York) this year as well. Not sure which yet. Of course, the license thing, too. Basically, I'm a big stupid dumbass who lost his driver's license because of unpaid parking tickets.

What else have I been up to? Reconnecting with my sister has been a big part of my activities in the past few weeks. It's just great, and not as hard as I thought it would be. I just have to be a big pest. It looks like it might have happened at the right time, too, because she has been dealing with a lot of personal tragedy lately and she needs me to really be there for her, even if it breaks my heart seeing her go through so much.

I also saw "Return of the King" and was blown out of my seat. I don't know if I have ever seen a movie and a TRILOGY so incredible. I literally couldn't even talk about the movie for a long time because I had to process it. Quite simply, the Beacon sequence is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen in a movie theater and that doesn't even involve any dialogue. I am not some big sci-fi geek, either. Tried to read Tolkien, but I just can't get into it. I'm Tolkien-impaired.

I am reading the most sick, twisted, jacked-up, intense and hilarious book I have ever read in my life. "Running with Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs is insane. What shocks me the most isn't that it's true, it's that this profane, lewd and psychotically-hilarious book was a NUMBER ONE BESTSELLER! I can't picture THAT MANY average Joes out there reading such graphic, unflinching descriptions of gay sex (among other things). If you have a strong stomach and like to laugh, pick it up. It's just amazing. Kinda like David Sedaris on crack. And speaking of David Sedaris, if you haven't read "Naked" AND "MeTalk Pretty One Day " get up from where you are right now and get to a bookstore and GET them. Simply the funniest damned books ever put to print.

As far as music, I like Alicia Key's new and quite different album. Nelly Furtado's new one (listening to it right now) is great as well. Also, my sister burned Sade's "Lover's Rock" and Christina Aguileira's "Stripped" for me and both are extraordinary.

What have I been watching? "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" from Netflix for the past few weeks. Vincent D'onofrio is such a hottie in such a weird way and I found out we have the same birthday. Also, I recently got the much-maligned season five of "Sex and the City" and feel it is very underrated. I liked it alot.

Anyway, ramblage... Here's to a year that I don't fuck up as bad as last year!!