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"Time to gather up the splinters, build a casket for my tears..."
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
Insomniacs Rant
November 2, 2004
3:42AM CDT
I have terrible insomnia. I woke up from a very bizarre nightmare about the Bush Junta pulling it off to see that they are pulling it off. I am incredibly depressed. Not nearly as depressed as I was when I heard about this whole “Moral Values” issue being the number one concern for voters and how Gay Marriage tops the list of concerns. Also how exit polls in eleven states about a ban on gay marriage passed with flying colors. Not to mention how these questions were tossed onto the ballot in key battleground states including the infamous Ohio to get Ultra-Conservatives to the polls. The gay marriage issue literally may have lost Kerry the election.
Now, whether or not I ever get into a relationship deemed worthy of marriage remains to be seen. This is a very personal issue to me because it points to the fact that the majority of people in this country smile and laugh and watch “Will & Grace” and “Queer Eye” and try to make Us feel like there is something to equality while secretly seeing ANY relationship that We get into as inferior in the eyes of God, in the eyes of the law and in their own eyes. Just when I thought we had moved a few steps in the right direction, the truth comes out.
One of the sections in my pathetic benefits (what passes for medical benefits under the aforementioned Bush Junta) handbook lays this bias out very clearly. Though we do have domestic partnership benefits it states very clearly that if you are married to someone of the same sex you are considered single and it doesn’t constitute a family change. Basically, this means that even if I’m in a relationship with someone for fifty years (approximately a million times longer than any of Jennifer Lopez’ marriages) I have to check the “Single” box my entire life because of some ridiculous fucking prejudice. I have higher insurance premiums, higher taxes and the humiliation of distinguishing myself on paper as “single” for my entire life. Not to mention, if I was on my death bed and I had a homophobic, Neo Conservative, Hope For Change religious family, they could legally block my partner from coming into the hospital room to say his final goodbyes.
Change is a slow, disgusting process. I am hurt. I am angry. I am going to look at ALL straight people with suspicion, more than I already have been. Smiling at my face and thinking I have an inferior relationship in the voting booth? It’s truly sad that there has to be this kind of separation between us all.
And as far as this country goes? We’re fucked. Four more years of the Neo-Conservative Bush Junta will see even more of our civil liberties stripped away, the possibility of up to four new ultra-conservative Supreme Court nominations, they will dig us deeper into this bullshit oil war while simultaneously lining their own pockets, continue slapping our foreign allies in the face in the most ridiculously arrogant, imperialistic fashion, and the gap between the upper class and the lower class will continue to widen. Higher education will take it up the ass, the minimum wage will remain where it is (below-starvation wages), health care and prescription drug costs will soar (I currently have a $50 prescription drug co-pay!! Thank god I gave up those anti-depressants!!) , the US will continue to violate the Kyoto agreement and send us spiraling ever-closer to catastrophes due to global warming. That is if we don’t all get vaporized first by some nuclear bomb because we pissed off the wrong people. Oh, and the draft? I’m counting the days.
As for me? I can rest assured that I live in a pocket of sanity here in the upper Midwest. In a few years I will be moving onto a four year school and I’m eyeing those other pockets of sanity on the east and west coasts and the gigantic one above us in Canada.
3:42AM CDT
I have terrible insomnia. I woke up from a very bizarre nightmare about the Bush Junta pulling it off to see that they are pulling it off. I am incredibly depressed. Not nearly as depressed as I was when I heard about this whole “Moral Values” issue being the number one concern for voters and how Gay Marriage tops the list of concerns. Also how exit polls in eleven states about a ban on gay marriage passed with flying colors. Not to mention how these questions were tossed onto the ballot in key battleground states including the infamous Ohio to get Ultra-Conservatives to the polls. The gay marriage issue literally may have lost Kerry the election.
Now, whether or not I ever get into a relationship deemed worthy of marriage remains to be seen. This is a very personal issue to me because it points to the fact that the majority of people in this country smile and laugh and watch “Will & Grace” and “Queer Eye” and try to make Us feel like there is something to equality while secretly seeing ANY relationship that We get into as inferior in the eyes of God, in the eyes of the law and in their own eyes. Just when I thought we had moved a few steps in the right direction, the truth comes out.
One of the sections in my pathetic benefits (what passes for medical benefits under the aforementioned Bush Junta) handbook lays this bias out very clearly. Though we do have domestic partnership benefits it states very clearly that if you are married to someone of the same sex you are considered single and it doesn’t constitute a family change. Basically, this means that even if I’m in a relationship with someone for fifty years (approximately a million times longer than any of Jennifer Lopez’ marriages) I have to check the “Single” box my entire life because of some ridiculous fucking prejudice. I have higher insurance premiums, higher taxes and the humiliation of distinguishing myself on paper as “single” for my entire life. Not to mention, if I was on my death bed and I had a homophobic, Neo Conservative, Hope For Change religious family, they could legally block my partner from coming into the hospital room to say his final goodbyes.
Change is a slow, disgusting process. I am hurt. I am angry. I am going to look at ALL straight people with suspicion, more than I already have been. Smiling at my face and thinking I have an inferior relationship in the voting booth? It’s truly sad that there has to be this kind of separation between us all.
And as far as this country goes? We’re fucked. Four more years of the Neo-Conservative Bush Junta will see even more of our civil liberties stripped away, the possibility of up to four new ultra-conservative Supreme Court nominations, they will dig us deeper into this bullshit oil war while simultaneously lining their own pockets, continue slapping our foreign allies in the face in the most ridiculously arrogant, imperialistic fashion, and the gap between the upper class and the lower class will continue to widen. Higher education will take it up the ass, the minimum wage will remain where it is (below-starvation wages), health care and prescription drug costs will soar (I currently have a $50 prescription drug co-pay!! Thank god I gave up those anti-depressants!!) , the US will continue to violate the Kyoto agreement and send us spiraling ever-closer to catastrophes due to global warming. That is if we don’t all get vaporized first by some nuclear bomb because we pissed off the wrong people. Oh, and the draft? I’m counting the days.
As for me? I can rest assured that I live in a pocket of sanity here in the upper Midwest. In a few years I will be moving onto a four year school and I’m eyeing those other pockets of sanity on the east and west coasts and the gigantic one above us in Canada.
Thursday, September 09, 2004
Forgiveness
In Late March of 1996, one of the first truly warm days of that spring, I was doing a little cleaning and enjoying the breeze in my downstairs domain at mommy’s house, waiting for my friend Nick to pick me up and bring me to my second day at one of the worst jobs I ever had, as a fry cook at TGI Fridays. The phone rang, and gazing out the screen door at the melting snow, I answered it.
I don’t remember exactly what my friend Kerrie* and I argued about. We were on the outs, mainly because she was dating a jerk who had gone down on me the second her back was turned (in her car, of all places). It doesn’t matter what the specific fight was about, because the consequences are what is important. Ten minutes later I was in the garage, torching a picture I had of her. I looked up and saw three cars pull up in the driveway. Benji** got out of the first one, holding what looked like a crow bar in his hand.
I shut the garage door and walked inside. The front door was wide open and I was soon greeted with an ice scraper upside the head. I stumbled into the downstairs living room, stunned more than anything. I reached for the phone to call the police and he smashed it with the ice scraper before I could dial. In the process, the plastic part at the end of the ice scraper shattered into a jagged piece, which he soon lunged at me with.
Out of nowhere, my friend Brent tackled him and dragged the screaming lunatic away. I walked into my bedroom and picked up the phone. I called 911and was just beginning to explain everything when he tackled me on my bed. He was trying to punch me, but this time I fought back. I punched him in the jaw and kicked him against the window. The scuffle continued until I heard Kerrie say, almost bored: “Let’s go, Benji.”
I screamed and cursed so long and so loud, I think there is still a cloud hovering somewhere over suburban Minnesota. They drove away. I got back on the phone with the shell-shocked 911 operator and explained who I was, where I was and what had just happened.
The cops nailed him within about 10 minutes and took him to jail for the weekend. I got a nasty scratch near my right eye from the ice scraper and the support of my macho straight male friends who said they would “Take care of him.”
A few months later, I was shot in the leg and wound up in the hospital. (Hey, ’96 wasn’t my year. I was also homeless at the time.) The one person who came to visit me during my three day stay in the hospital was Kerrie, pleading with me to forgive Benji and to go easy on him in court. A month later, I agreed to drop all charges except for the restitution to pay for my mom’s phone. The judge asked me if I had anything to say. I explained that I didn’t. Moments later in open court, Benji’s lawyer asked him a few questions.
“So the reason you attacked him was because he was spreading rumors, correct?”
“That’s correct.”
“And the rumors were that the two of you had sex together, correct?”
“That’s correct.”
“And these were absolute flagrant lies, correct?”
“That’s correct.”
I don’t know if I have ever been so humiliated in my life. Snickers and sneers surrounded me, from “friends” and strangers alike. It got worse when I was leaving the courtroom and the prosecutor loudly berated me: “WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!??”
That was June of 1996. In August of 1997 I moved into a two bedroom duplex with Kerrie and Benji in Minneapolis.
__________________________________________________________________________________
The question here, is why. Why the hell did I do it? I have always been a forgiving person. I don’t pretend to know why. Incidentally, I forgave the guy who accidentally shot me in the leg as well.
A few days ago, something shocking occurred to me. Forgiving Benji and Kerrie set so many events in motion I have no idea where I would have ended up without having done so.
* It was the first time I had a chance to get out of mom’s house for good, and I haven’t gone back
* I got a job for $5 an hour at Sam Goody in the City Center. While working there, I met a really screwed up chick named Shannen.
*Shannen introduced me to a guy named Jesse who worked in a call center in downtown Minneapolis. He said they were hiring.
*I quit the City Center job and got a job at AT&T in September of 1997.
*Jesse introduced me to my good friend Mara.
*Things got really bad living with Kerrie and Benji and the great pay I got at AT&T made it possible for me to get my first apartment in January of 1998.
*Later, I met Shannon, whose sister Sarah is one of my closest and dearest friends. I got close to the rest of their family and pretty much became an honorary brother.
* My friend Stephanie came shortly after.
*A few years after that, I met my very good friend Rebecca.
To this day, AT&T is the place that I made the only lasting friendships with co-workers. I don’t know where I would be without these people in my life. ALL of these people. And where would I be if I had never forgiven Benji?
My sister once said to me, “True forgiveness comes from the heart.”
I don’t think I can say I ever actually forgave Benji. I saw Kerrie and Benji as a way of getting out of my mom’s house and moving to the city. After I moved out of the duplex we shared, what relationship I had with both of them completely dissolved. I don’t speak to either of them anymore.
What Benji did to me was beyond reprehensible. I don’t seek revenge. Somebody like Benji is his own worst enemy. He is dishing out far greater and sweeter revenge on himself than I could, I promise you.
* This name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
** So has this one
I don’t remember exactly what my friend Kerrie* and I argued about. We were on the outs, mainly because she was dating a jerk who had gone down on me the second her back was turned (in her car, of all places). It doesn’t matter what the specific fight was about, because the consequences are what is important. Ten minutes later I was in the garage, torching a picture I had of her. I looked up and saw three cars pull up in the driveway. Benji** got out of the first one, holding what looked like a crow bar in his hand.
I shut the garage door and walked inside. The front door was wide open and I was soon greeted with an ice scraper upside the head. I stumbled into the downstairs living room, stunned more than anything. I reached for the phone to call the police and he smashed it with the ice scraper before I could dial. In the process, the plastic part at the end of the ice scraper shattered into a jagged piece, which he soon lunged at me with.
Out of nowhere, my friend Brent tackled him and dragged the screaming lunatic away. I walked into my bedroom and picked up the phone. I called 911and was just beginning to explain everything when he tackled me on my bed. He was trying to punch me, but this time I fought back. I punched him in the jaw and kicked him against the window. The scuffle continued until I heard Kerrie say, almost bored: “Let’s go, Benji.”
I screamed and cursed so long and so loud, I think there is still a cloud hovering somewhere over suburban Minnesota. They drove away. I got back on the phone with the shell-shocked 911 operator and explained who I was, where I was and what had just happened.
The cops nailed him within about 10 minutes and took him to jail for the weekend. I got a nasty scratch near my right eye from the ice scraper and the support of my macho straight male friends who said they would “Take care of him.”
A few months later, I was shot in the leg and wound up in the hospital. (Hey, ’96 wasn’t my year. I was also homeless at the time.) The one person who came to visit me during my three day stay in the hospital was Kerrie, pleading with me to forgive Benji and to go easy on him in court. A month later, I agreed to drop all charges except for the restitution to pay for my mom’s phone. The judge asked me if I had anything to say. I explained that I didn’t. Moments later in open court, Benji’s lawyer asked him a few questions.
“So the reason you attacked him was because he was spreading rumors, correct?”
“That’s correct.”
“And the rumors were that the two of you had sex together, correct?”
“That’s correct.”
“And these were absolute flagrant lies, correct?”
“That’s correct.”
I don’t know if I have ever been so humiliated in my life. Snickers and sneers surrounded me, from “friends” and strangers alike. It got worse when I was leaving the courtroom and the prosecutor loudly berated me: “WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!??”
That was June of 1996. In August of 1997 I moved into a two bedroom duplex with Kerrie and Benji in Minneapolis.
__________________________________________________________________________________
The question here, is why. Why the hell did I do it? I have always been a forgiving person. I don’t pretend to know why. Incidentally, I forgave the guy who accidentally shot me in the leg as well.
A few days ago, something shocking occurred to me. Forgiving Benji and Kerrie set so many events in motion I have no idea where I would have ended up without having done so.
* It was the first time I had a chance to get out of mom’s house for good, and I haven’t gone back
* I got a job for $5 an hour at Sam Goody in the City Center. While working there, I met a really screwed up chick named Shannen.
*Shannen introduced me to a guy named Jesse who worked in a call center in downtown Minneapolis. He said they were hiring.
*I quit the City Center job and got a job at AT&T in September of 1997.
*Jesse introduced me to my good friend Mara.
*Things got really bad living with Kerrie and Benji and the great pay I got at AT&T made it possible for me to get my first apartment in January of 1998.
*Later, I met Shannon, whose sister Sarah is one of my closest and dearest friends. I got close to the rest of their family and pretty much became an honorary brother.
* My friend Stephanie came shortly after.
*A few years after that, I met my very good friend Rebecca.
To this day, AT&T is the place that I made the only lasting friendships with co-workers. I don’t know where I would be without these people in my life. ALL of these people. And where would I be if I had never forgiven Benji?
My sister once said to me, “True forgiveness comes from the heart.”
I don’t think I can say I ever actually forgave Benji. I saw Kerrie and Benji as a way of getting out of my mom’s house and moving to the city. After I moved out of the duplex we shared, what relationship I had with both of them completely dissolved. I don’t speak to either of them anymore.
What Benji did to me was beyond reprehensible. I don’t seek revenge. Somebody like Benji is his own worst enemy. He is dishing out far greater and sweeter revenge on himself than I could, I promise you.
* This name has been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.
** So has this one
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Rampant Plagiarism
I stole this from my friend Sarah's Blog. Thought it was a good idea.
Nine Layers
Get to know me better:
LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Aaron
-- Birth date: June 30th
-- Current Location: Lauderdale, MN
-- Eye Color: Green
-- Hair Color: Brown
-- Height: 5' 10"
-- Right or Left Handed: Right
-- Zodiac Sign: Cancer
LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Irish, Swedish, Norwegian
-- The shoes you wore today: Brown Skechers Loafers
-- Your weakness: too much TV and very charming, charismatic guys preferably w/ southern drawls
-- Your fears: loneliness/failure/ centipedes
-- Your perfect pizza: Something unusual. I'm a single guy. I'm sick of pizza.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: A well-written, cohesive million dollar script (or a degree of some kind)
LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase online: LMFAO
-- Your first waking thoughts: "I have a nasty taste in my mouth and feel dirty..."
-- Your best physical feature: My hands
-- Your most missed memory: Nothing I can think of.
LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King: BK
-- Single or group dates: Single
-- Adidas or Nike: Puke. Neither
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino, I guess. Caffeine is evil.
LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: Used to
-- Cuss: Far too much, according to a few people.
-- Sing: Along with the radio, in the shower, in front of people if I am drunk.
-- Take a shower everyday: yes
-- Do you think you've been in love: Yes
-- Want to go to college: I am going right now
-- Liked high school: The last two years were pretty cool.
-- Want to get married: Yes, so long as there isn't a CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT FUCKING BANNING IT!! (I warned you about the swearing.)
-- Believe in yourself: I try to
-- Get motion sickness: While reading on the bus.
-- Think you're attractive: Who am I kidding? No. Well, sometimes.
-- Think you're a health freak: No
-- Get along with your parent(s): Mom, yes, dad, kinda
-- Like thunderstorms: I'm a drama queen. I LOVE THEM
-- Play an instrument: I WISH!!
LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Yes
-- Smoked: One drag while incredibly drunk at the Apple River.
-- Done a drug: Does Aleve and cold medicine count?
-- Made Out: No
-- Gone on a date: No
-- Gone to the mall?: Yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: No.
-- Eaten sushi: No
-- Been on stage: God, no.
-- Been dumped: No
-- Gone skating: No
-- Made homemade cookies : No
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: No
-- Stolen Anything: Some cat food that I "forgot to mention" on the bottom of my cart.
LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes.
-- If so, was it mixed company: Yes, unfortunately.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: YESS!! TWICE!!
-- Been caught "doing something": Yes. No comment.
-- Been called a tease: No, I'm too much of a slut. hee hee
-- Gotten beaten up: Yes
-- Shoplifted: Yes
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Yes. I wasn't very succesful, though.
LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: 35
-- Numbers and Names of Children: Not necessary
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: A cliff somewhere with waves crashing on rocks below
-- How do you want to die: In my sleep, at 90
-- Where you want to go to college: Somewhere on the East Coast or West coast. I need an ocean nearby.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: A screenwriter.
-- What country would you most like to visit: Europe. All of it.
LAYER NINE:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: 7
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 7
-- Number of CDs that I own: More than 200
-- Number of piercings: 2 in rt ear, one in left
-- Number of tattoos: None
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: zero
-- Number of scars on my body: 5
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: too many to count. my 20s were rough.
Nine Layers
Get to know me better:
LAYER ONE:
-- Name: Aaron
-- Birth date: June 30th
-- Current Location: Lauderdale, MN
-- Eye Color: Green
-- Hair Color: Brown
-- Height: 5' 10"
-- Right or Left Handed: Right
-- Zodiac Sign: Cancer
LAYER TWO:
-- Your heritage: Irish, Swedish, Norwegian
-- The shoes you wore today: Brown Skechers Loafers
-- Your weakness: too much TV and very charming, charismatic guys preferably w/ southern drawls
-- Your fears: loneliness/failure/ centipedes
-- Your perfect pizza: Something unusual. I'm a single guy. I'm sick of pizza.
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: A well-written, cohesive million dollar script (or a degree of some kind)
LAYER THREE:
-- Your most overused phrase online: LMFAO
-- Your first waking thoughts: "I have a nasty taste in my mouth and feel dirty..."
-- Your best physical feature: My hands
-- Your most missed memory: Nothing I can think of.
LAYER FOUR:
-- Pepsi or Coke: Coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King: BK
-- Single or group dates: Single
-- Adidas or Nike: Puke. Neither
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Cappuccino, I guess. Caffeine is evil.
LAYER FIVE:
-- Smoke: Used to
-- Cuss: Far too much, according to a few people.
-- Sing: Along with the radio, in the shower, in front of people if I am drunk.
-- Take a shower everyday: yes
-- Do you think you've been in love: Yes
-- Want to go to college: I am going right now
-- Liked high school: The last two years were pretty cool.
-- Want to get married: Yes, so long as there isn't a CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT FUCKING BANNING IT!! (I warned you about the swearing.)
-- Believe in yourself: I try to
-- Get motion sickness: While reading on the bus.
-- Think you're attractive: Who am I kidding? No. Well, sometimes.
-- Think you're a health freak: No
-- Get along with your parent(s): Mom, yes, dad, kinda
-- Like thunderstorms: I'm a drama queen. I LOVE THEM
-- Play an instrument: I WISH!!
LAYER SIX: In the past month...
-- Drank alcohol: Yes
-- Smoked: One drag while incredibly drunk at the Apple River.
-- Done a drug: Does Aleve and cold medicine count?
-- Made Out: No
-- Gone on a date: No
-- Gone to the mall?: Yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: No.
-- Eaten sushi: No
-- Been on stage: God, no.
-- Been dumped: No
-- Gone skating: No
-- Made homemade cookies : No
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: No
-- Stolen Anything: Some cat food that I "forgot to mention" on the bottom of my cart.
LAYER SEVEN: Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: Yes.
-- If so, was it mixed company: Yes, unfortunately.
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: YESS!! TWICE!!
-- Been caught "doing something": Yes. No comment.
-- Been called a tease: No, I'm too much of a slut. hee hee
-- Gotten beaten up: Yes
-- Shoplifted: Yes
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Yes. I wasn't very succesful, though.
LAYER EIGHT:
-- Age you hope to be married: 35
-- Numbers and Names of Children: Not necessary
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: A cliff somewhere with waves crashing on rocks below
-- How do you want to die: In my sleep, at 90
-- Where you want to go to college: Somewhere on the East Coast or West coast. I need an ocean nearby.
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: A screenwriter.
-- What country would you most like to visit: Europe. All of it.
LAYER NINE:
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: 7
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 7
-- Number of CDs that I own: More than 200
-- Number of piercings: 2 in rt ear, one in left
-- Number of tattoos: None
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: zero
-- Number of scars on my body: 5
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: too many to count. my 20s were rough.
Rampant Plagiarism
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Aaron and the horrible, rotten, wretched and really bad day
Here it is August 11th and I feel like it should be Friday the thirteenth. I have officially had one of those absolutely monumentally wretched days. I had forgotten what they were like. I was on a pretty good streak there for awhile, I guess.
It started early this morning after my invigorating home yoga session (I’ve been practicing yoga on the sly the past week and a half) and decided to wear a thin white tee shirt to work. It was a wardrobe choice I sadly regretted right away because it is so thin and uncomfortable and it’s a V-neck. It made me very self-conscious all day. If black is a very thinning color, then that would mean white is the most FATTENING right? Anyway, I don’t normally get cold but our freaking office was like a damned meat locker today. Thank god I had the common sense to bring a jacket. Here in Minnesota (in August, no less) it has been damned freezing these past few days. I think it got down to forty-something last night.
So, huddled at my desk, shivering and distracted as I have been all week by... something I’m not going to mention... my good friend Dave came by to inform me that our friend Brian had just been fired. If you work in an office like mine, the people are what get you out of bed in the morning for and they are what make you want to come to the place, and Brian was awesome. No, he’s not dead, but he and I never established an OUTSIDE OF WORK friendship, so it’s pretty much over at this point. I’m realistic.
It was all so sudden and stupid and infuriating. Then, I went to lunch. Halfway to my car (and halfway is about 2 and a half blocks!) I realized I had left my checkbook on the 6th floor. I went back, not realizing that this mishap cost me about 15 minutes until much later. I drove to a diner somewhat near our work that I could easily get to and back in the 45 minutes we are allotted. I even ordered ahead so all I had to do was go in and pay. The drive there was fast, ten minutes at most, the going smooth.
The way back was a different story. You see, Minneapolis has recently installed the Hiawatha Light Rail line and it has screwed up all of the traffic lights down a main stretch of our freeways. I sat at one stoplight for 5 minutes, I clocked it! Not only that, but when the light does turn green only about the first 4 cars can make it through and then only if they gun it and blast through.
All in all, I ended up being about 10 minutes late back to work which counts as a tardy. One more and I am ineligible for my bonus next month.
The rest of the dreary, depressing day dragged because I continue to obsess about... sorry, still not mentioning it...
I left at my usual time and drove home in a chilly drizzle. When I pulled up, I gauged through a reflection, that one of my damned headlights is out! I am freaking broker-than-hell and will probably need to take my ancient Blazer (affectionately referred to as The Beast) into the damned shop to put the damn thing in. Also, I have pull-over-a-phobia and don’t want to get nabbed for something as stupid as a headlight. So, no night driving for me until it is fixed.
The mother of all bad news came in the form of a curt little Fake Check from the Minnesota department of Revenue that they are recapturing my entire $690 renter’s rebate for old, ancient parking tickets. Not only that, but I got home around 4:40 and the bitches close at 4:30 so I couldn’t do anything but howl ineffectively.
About that time, all of it (Brian, The Unmentionable, Hiawatha, Headlights and Renter’s Rebates) came crashing down on my head. I hate my life right now. I seriously do. Fuck you, I know things could be worse, but they are pretty bad where I stand. I’m tired of scraping and saving and barely getting by and living paycheck to paycheck and being fat, lonely and bored; most of all, I’m tired of having nothing to look forward to. It sucks and I have had the serious thought that if this is truly what life is, I want none of it. I even entertained the usual suicide fantasies for a moment, until I stumbled across something I had written a few months back; an original autobiographical story I wrote about being sent to jail called “Jailbait”. I actually laughed. It’s pretty damned good.
Maybe life is about finding things to live for; about striving for things to look forward to just to make the daily grind more bearable. Who knows? Who can really say? All I know is two days from now is Friday the 13th and if THAT is supposed to be an unlucky day, I’m hiding under my fucking bed!!
It started early this morning after my invigorating home yoga session (I’ve been practicing yoga on the sly the past week and a half) and decided to wear a thin white tee shirt to work. It was a wardrobe choice I sadly regretted right away because it is so thin and uncomfortable and it’s a V-neck. It made me very self-conscious all day. If black is a very thinning color, then that would mean white is the most FATTENING right? Anyway, I don’t normally get cold but our freaking office was like a damned meat locker today. Thank god I had the common sense to bring a jacket. Here in Minnesota (in August, no less) it has been damned freezing these past few days. I think it got down to forty-something last night.
So, huddled at my desk, shivering and distracted as I have been all week by... something I’m not going to mention... my good friend Dave came by to inform me that our friend Brian had just been fired. If you work in an office like mine, the people are what get you out of bed in the morning for and they are what make you want to come to the place, and Brian was awesome. No, he’s not dead, but he and I never established an OUTSIDE OF WORK friendship, so it’s pretty much over at this point. I’m realistic.
It was all so sudden and stupid and infuriating. Then, I went to lunch. Halfway to my car (and halfway is about 2 and a half blocks!) I realized I had left my checkbook on the 6th floor. I went back, not realizing that this mishap cost me about 15 minutes until much later. I drove to a diner somewhat near our work that I could easily get to and back in the 45 minutes we are allotted. I even ordered ahead so all I had to do was go in and pay. The drive there was fast, ten minutes at most, the going smooth.
The way back was a different story. You see, Minneapolis has recently installed the Hiawatha Light Rail line and it has screwed up all of the traffic lights down a main stretch of our freeways. I sat at one stoplight for 5 minutes, I clocked it! Not only that, but when the light does turn green only about the first 4 cars can make it through and then only if they gun it and blast through.
All in all, I ended up being about 10 minutes late back to work which counts as a tardy. One more and I am ineligible for my bonus next month.
The rest of the dreary, depressing day dragged because I continue to obsess about... sorry, still not mentioning it...
I left at my usual time and drove home in a chilly drizzle. When I pulled up, I gauged through a reflection, that one of my damned headlights is out! I am freaking broker-than-hell and will probably need to take my ancient Blazer (affectionately referred to as The Beast) into the damned shop to put the damn thing in. Also, I have pull-over-a-phobia and don’t want to get nabbed for something as stupid as a headlight. So, no night driving for me until it is fixed.
The mother of all bad news came in the form of a curt little Fake Check from the Minnesota department of Revenue that they are recapturing my entire $690 renter’s rebate for old, ancient parking tickets. Not only that, but I got home around 4:40 and the bitches close at 4:30 so I couldn’t do anything but howl ineffectively.
About that time, all of it (Brian, The Unmentionable, Hiawatha, Headlights and Renter’s Rebates) came crashing down on my head. I hate my life right now. I seriously do. Fuck you, I know things could be worse, but they are pretty bad where I stand. I’m tired of scraping and saving and barely getting by and living paycheck to paycheck and being fat, lonely and bored; most of all, I’m tired of having nothing to look forward to. It sucks and I have had the serious thought that if this is truly what life is, I want none of it. I even entertained the usual suicide fantasies for a moment, until I stumbled across something I had written a few months back; an original autobiographical story I wrote about being sent to jail called “Jailbait”. I actually laughed. It’s pretty damned good.
Maybe life is about finding things to live for; about striving for things to look forward to just to make the daily grind more bearable. Who knows? Who can really say? All I know is two days from now is Friday the 13th and if THAT is supposed to be an unlucky day, I’m hiding under my fucking bed!!
Monday, January 05, 2004
Thank you, Dave the Bloody and Carrie Bradshaw!!
I just wanted to add one other New Year's Resolution that I didn't realize I was going to add until today. On top of travel, weight loss and the privilege of driving I want to add one more very important one. I want a fucking boyfriend!! Anyone who knows me is probably shocked right now. No more shocked than I am, believe me. I have gone years resting on my laurels and repeating the mantra "I'm not ready, I'm not ready... ohhhmmm..." My new mantra will become: "Fuck that not ready shit!!"
Where did this sudden and drastic change of heart come from? First, a guy who calls himself Dave the Bloody. Yep, we're heading back to Buffy worship briefly on this one. Dave is actually a guy I have corresponded with on the message board at www.cityofangel.com (we share a mutual hatred for the slow as molasses release of the DVDs and a general malign for all things FOX among other things) and I know absolutely nothing about him except that he is probably straight, he lives in Buffalo, NY and his passion for all things Buffy equals and maybe exceeds my own. He started his last entry with "Geez, AJ, I feel like I'm talking to myself!! LOL! "
"Now what the hell does all of this mean and why did it lead to this psychotic episode?" you are asking. I was reminded that there are others out there like me, there ARE people who share my interests and there are completely random strangers who find me interesting, witty and fun. It's not just this Universe of friends and family and acquaintances I have built around myself. There's a whole galaxy out there and I want to be a part of it, dammit!! I deserve it for fuck's sake. Yeah, I've had some pretty nasty heartbreaks in my life, a few incredibly dysfunctional "relationships" and wasted FAR too much time and energy on a fruitless obsession with a certain straight guy who shall remain nameless. It's never too damned late. I'm tired of watching other people in dysfunctional relationships without having one of my own to burden them with. It's THEIR fucking turn to listen to me talk about MY relationship, dammit!!
It's not all spite, though. It's not "Getting back into the swinging dating scene to annoy my friends". I have a lot of selfish reasons too. Mainly, I'm lonely and I want NOT to be, dammit!! About the time that I watched Carrie Bradshaw say: "I'm lonely. It's palpable..." in Season 5 of "Sex and the City" I realized that enough is very well fucking enough.
I want to show up at Couples Night at the Johnson's (AKA X-Mas Eve and Thanksgiving) with a boyfriend for once in my life. I want to be part of one of those annoying couples that say: "We have to leave now and go to HIS parent's place" even if we are truly just dipping out early to get it on. I want someone to share my expenses with. I want to have the rare privilege of introducing him to the wonderful, amazing, loving, life-saving Stars in my Universe and meet the Stars in his. I want to be able to cancel plans at the last minute and say: "Sorry, WE are staying in tonight." and I want the person on the other end of the phone to smile and shrug and wish they had half of what we have. I want him to force me to watch something I really don't want to watch on TV and I want to be pleasantly surprised by how much I like it. I want to turn to him and say "I never would have watched this if I hadn't met you. Thank you so much." and he will smile and say: "You gave me the incredible gift of Buffy, so we're even..." Then we can retire to bed later and live out our dirty Angel fantasies. Hee Hee That's not asking for too much is it?
In the words of Kirsten Dunst's opponent in that cheerleading movie, "Bring it on, baby." : + )
Where did this sudden and drastic change of heart come from? First, a guy who calls himself Dave the Bloody. Yep, we're heading back to Buffy worship briefly on this one. Dave is actually a guy I have corresponded with on the message board at www.cityofangel.com (we share a mutual hatred for the slow as molasses release of the DVDs and a general malign for all things FOX among other things) and I know absolutely nothing about him except that he is probably straight, he lives in Buffalo, NY and his passion for all things Buffy equals and maybe exceeds my own. He started his last entry with "Geez, AJ, I feel like I'm talking to myself!! LOL! "
"Now what the hell does all of this mean and why did it lead to this psychotic episode?" you are asking. I was reminded that there are others out there like me, there ARE people who share my interests and there are completely random strangers who find me interesting, witty and fun. It's not just this Universe of friends and family and acquaintances I have built around myself. There's a whole galaxy out there and I want to be a part of it, dammit!! I deserve it for fuck's sake. Yeah, I've had some pretty nasty heartbreaks in my life, a few incredibly dysfunctional "relationships" and wasted FAR too much time and energy on a fruitless obsession with a certain straight guy who shall remain nameless. It's never too damned late. I'm tired of watching other people in dysfunctional relationships without having one of my own to burden them with. It's THEIR fucking turn to listen to me talk about MY relationship, dammit!!
It's not all spite, though. It's not "Getting back into the swinging dating scene to annoy my friends". I have a lot of selfish reasons too. Mainly, I'm lonely and I want NOT to be, dammit!! About the time that I watched Carrie Bradshaw say: "I'm lonely. It's palpable..." in Season 5 of "Sex and the City" I realized that enough is very well fucking enough.
I want to show up at Couples Night at the Johnson's (AKA X-Mas Eve and Thanksgiving) with a boyfriend for once in my life. I want to be part of one of those annoying couples that say: "We have to leave now and go to HIS parent's place" even if we are truly just dipping out early to get it on. I want someone to share my expenses with. I want to have the rare privilege of introducing him to the wonderful, amazing, loving, life-saving Stars in my Universe and meet the Stars in his. I want to be able to cancel plans at the last minute and say: "Sorry, WE are staying in tonight." and I want the person on the other end of the phone to smile and shrug and wish they had half of what we have. I want him to force me to watch something I really don't want to watch on TV and I want to be pleasantly surprised by how much I like it. I want to turn to him and say "I never would have watched this if I hadn't met you. Thank you so much." and he will smile and say: "You gave me the incredible gift of Buffy, so we're even..." Then we can retire to bed later and live out our dirty Angel fantasies. Hee Hee That's not asking for too much is it?
In the words of Kirsten Dunst's opponent in that cheerleading movie, "Bring it on, baby." : + )
Saturday, January 03, 2004
New Year, New Me?
At the risk of sounding incredibly cliche, I am hoping to make some major changes this year. In the full spirit of that, I am on the South Beach Diet. Two days and counting. How is it? Well, I can't really describe it. I just feel weird. Supposedly, it's my body breaking the addiction to all the crap, but I feel just... wrong. This part only lasts a few days though, I heard. Here's hoping. I have two friends that are going on it too and two co-workers as well. For them, I can say I am very glad that I took yesterday off. The first day was incredibly rough and I wouldn't have wanted to be at work like that. You just feel... dizzy and groggy and weird. Can't really describe it.
More New Year's resolutions? Of course. I am continuing the writing thing but I refuse to post any more stories on here until I figure out what exactly the glitch is that is making quotes show up as trademark symbols. Stay tuned for that. "Branded" and "Bonded" turned out very well (they are the best thing I've written so far, in my opinion) and "Requiem" is coming along nicely. I'm starting to think more and more that I don't want to post any other stories on here. I want a website and I have to get a websites for dummies book before I can feel confident in setting one up.
I also want this to be the year when I come back to myself, and put me first. I feel I have been far too concerned with what other people are doing and it's just exhausting. it's just not worth my time and energy anymore. What I learned being unemployed for 7 and a half months was that I really only have me to rely on when it comes right down to it. That's a scary and strangely liberating thing to realize.
I also want to put a big checkmark by one of my cities (San Fran, New Orleans, New York) this year as well. Not sure which yet. Of course, the license thing, too. Basically, I'm a big stupid dumbass who lost his driver's license because of unpaid parking tickets.
What else have I been up to? Reconnecting with my sister has been a big part of my activities in the past few weeks. It's just great, and not as hard as I thought it would be. I just have to be a big pest. It looks like it might have happened at the right time, too, because she has been dealing with a lot of personal tragedy lately and she needs me to really be there for her, even if it breaks my heart seeing her go through so much.
I also saw "Return of the King" and was blown out of my seat. I don't know if I have ever seen a movie and a TRILOGY so incredible. I literally couldn't even talk about the movie for a long time because I had to process it. Quite simply, the Beacon sequence is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen in a movie theater and that doesn't even involve any dialogue. I am not some big sci-fi geek, either. Tried to read Tolkien, but I just can't get into it. I'm Tolkien-impaired.
I am reading the most sick, twisted, jacked-up, intense and hilarious book I have ever read in my life. "Running with Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs is insane. What shocks me the most isn't that it's true, it's that this profane, lewd and psychotically-hilarious book was a NUMBER ONE BESTSELLER! I can't picture THAT MANY average Joes out there reading such graphic, unflinching descriptions of gay sex (among other things). If you have a strong stomach and like to laugh, pick it up. It's just amazing. Kinda like David Sedaris on crack. And speaking of David Sedaris, if you haven't read "Naked" AND "MeTalk Pretty One Day " get up from where you are right now and get to a bookstore and GET them. Simply the funniest damned books ever put to print.
As far as music, I like Alicia Key's new and quite different album. Nelly Furtado's new one (listening to it right now) is great as well. Also, my sister burned Sade's "Lover's Rock" and Christina Aguileira's "Stripped" for me and both are extraordinary.
What have I been watching? "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" from Netflix for the past few weeks. Vincent D'onofrio is such a hottie in such a weird way and I found out we have the same birthday. Also, I recently got the much-maligned season five of "Sex and the City" and feel it is very underrated. I liked it alot.
Anyway, ramblage... Here's to a year that I don't fuck up as bad as last year!!
More New Year's resolutions? Of course. I am continuing the writing thing but I refuse to post any more stories on here until I figure out what exactly the glitch is that is making quotes show up as trademark symbols. Stay tuned for that. "Branded" and "Bonded" turned out very well (they are the best thing I've written so far, in my opinion) and "Requiem" is coming along nicely. I'm starting to think more and more that I don't want to post any other stories on here. I want a website and I have to get a websites for dummies book before I can feel confident in setting one up.
I also want this to be the year when I come back to myself, and put me first. I feel I have been far too concerned with what other people are doing and it's just exhausting. it's just not worth my time and energy anymore. What I learned being unemployed for 7 and a half months was that I really only have me to rely on when it comes right down to it. That's a scary and strangely liberating thing to realize.
I also want to put a big checkmark by one of my cities (San Fran, New Orleans, New York) this year as well. Not sure which yet. Of course, the license thing, too. Basically, I'm a big stupid dumbass who lost his driver's license because of unpaid parking tickets.
What else have I been up to? Reconnecting with my sister has been a big part of my activities in the past few weeks. It's just great, and not as hard as I thought it would be. I just have to be a big pest. It looks like it might have happened at the right time, too, because she has been dealing with a lot of personal tragedy lately and she needs me to really be there for her, even if it breaks my heart seeing her go through so much.
I also saw "Return of the King" and was blown out of my seat. I don't know if I have ever seen a movie and a TRILOGY so incredible. I literally couldn't even talk about the movie for a long time because I had to process it. Quite simply, the Beacon sequence is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen in a movie theater and that doesn't even involve any dialogue. I am not some big sci-fi geek, either. Tried to read Tolkien, but I just can't get into it. I'm Tolkien-impaired.
I am reading the most sick, twisted, jacked-up, intense and hilarious book I have ever read in my life. "Running with Scissors" by Augusten Burroughs is insane. What shocks me the most isn't that it's true, it's that this profane, lewd and psychotically-hilarious book was a NUMBER ONE BESTSELLER! I can't picture THAT MANY average Joes out there reading such graphic, unflinching descriptions of gay sex (among other things). If you have a strong stomach and like to laugh, pick it up. It's just amazing. Kinda like David Sedaris on crack. And speaking of David Sedaris, if you haven't read "Naked" AND "MeTalk Pretty One Day " get up from where you are right now and get to a bookstore and GET them. Simply the funniest damned books ever put to print.
As far as music, I like Alicia Key's new and quite different album. Nelly Furtado's new one (listening to it right now) is great as well. Also, my sister burned Sade's "Lover's Rock" and Christina Aguileira's "Stripped" for me and both are extraordinary.
What have I been watching? "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" from Netflix for the past few weeks. Vincent D'onofrio is such a hottie in such a weird way and I found out we have the same birthday. Also, I recently got the much-maligned season five of "Sex and the City" and feel it is very underrated. I liked it alot.
Anyway, ramblage... Here's to a year that I don't fuck up as bad as last year!!
Saturday, December 13, 2003
"Dane who?" or "Damn You, David Boreanaz!!"
Okay, despite what I said in my last post, I am feverishly working on ANOTHER fan fiction piece. I'm a slave to the muse, I guess and apparently to Angel as well. After the warm reception I got from "Branded" and "Bonded" another idea flew right into my little old brain. This one involving Angel and someone new named Dale Arlington, Jr. The story is called "Requiem" and I intend it to be the darkest and most disturbing and hopefully most poetic thing I have written yet. So far, so good. The plot? Don't want to give too much away but the Dark Avenger (Angel, for the un-Jossed) rescues Dale in an alley (while he is sans crew in Season 2 of "Angel") and gets a very, very big unpleasant surprise. Wait and see.
I finished the 5th season of "Buffy" in record time (about 30 hours) which I firmly DO NOT recommend doing, ever. I found myself disliking the show and disliking certain episodes. "Buffy", though best viewed on DVD I think, needs to be taken in much smaller doses, particularly a season like 5 with such dark issues. The reason I know this is I have gone back and watched certain episodes for a second time and I am liking it so much better.
Just a little rant about Season 5: Where the hell was the Emmy Board when "The Body" aired? Though I admit I am slightly biased, from a film-making standpoint alone this is the most brilliantly moving piece of fiction I have ever seen on TV. I was so shaken up after the episode, I had to take a walk. And for the Sarah Michelle Gellar haters out there (aka The Hansens!!) I challenge you to find a better performance on the small screen than she gives in this episode. Basically, it deals with death, but in a way it has never been shown before. For god's sake, just WATCH this episode if you ever get the chance. It's what is known in the Joss-verse as a stand-alone episode, so you don't even need to know what's going on in the show. It's artistry speaks for itself.
As far as the David Boreanaz stuff in the title of this entry, I think I have come to a conclusion. I am obsessed with the character he plays, and not with him. There's a big difference. Though, I have read he brings a lot of his own ideas and personality to the role and does quite a bit of ad-libbing when he is Angelus, I still think it's just the character I am fascinated with. He's truly a brilliant creation, fiction-wise and there are absolutely no limits with what you can write about this guy. After three seasons of "Buffy" and four and a third of "Angel" there is still so much that we don't know about him and his personality. Where else can you find such an engmatic character on TV after 8 years? Course, it doesn't hurt that he is so tall, dark, and broody. Handsome goes without saying. And did I mention the beefy musculature, the shoulders or the eyes...?
Anyway, I digress. Expect more about "Requiem" soon. It's moving right along...
I finished the 5th season of "Buffy" in record time (about 30 hours) which I firmly DO NOT recommend doing, ever. I found myself disliking the show and disliking certain episodes. "Buffy", though best viewed on DVD I think, needs to be taken in much smaller doses, particularly a season like 5 with such dark issues. The reason I know this is I have gone back and watched certain episodes for a second time and I am liking it so much better.
Just a little rant about Season 5: Where the hell was the Emmy Board when "The Body" aired? Though I admit I am slightly biased, from a film-making standpoint alone this is the most brilliantly moving piece of fiction I have ever seen on TV. I was so shaken up after the episode, I had to take a walk. And for the Sarah Michelle Gellar haters out there (aka The Hansens!!) I challenge you to find a better performance on the small screen than she gives in this episode. Basically, it deals with death, but in a way it has never been shown before. For god's sake, just WATCH this episode if you ever get the chance. It's what is known in the Joss-verse as a stand-alone episode, so you don't even need to know what's going on in the show. It's artistry speaks for itself.
As far as the David Boreanaz stuff in the title of this entry, I think I have come to a conclusion. I am obsessed with the character he plays, and not with him. There's a big difference. Though, I have read he brings a lot of his own ideas and personality to the role and does quite a bit of ad-libbing when he is Angelus, I still think it's just the character I am fascinated with. He's truly a brilliant creation, fiction-wise and there are absolutely no limits with what you can write about this guy. After three seasons of "Buffy" and four and a third of "Angel" there is still so much that we don't know about him and his personality. Where else can you find such an engmatic character on TV after 8 years? Course, it doesn't hurt that he is so tall, dark, and broody. Handsome goes without saying. And did I mention the beefy musculature, the shoulders or the eyes...?
Anyway, I digress. Expect more about "Requiem" soon. It's moving right along...
